Soliloquy

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"Don't say I didn't warn you, honey; I'm no walk in the park. Most of the time I'm okay, but sometimes I'm a shadow of myself, a silhouette, like a ghost roaming corridors after dark. I'm the biggest contradiction I know. I say I don't want company, but deep down I'm testing to see if anyone knows me well enough to know that I'm testing. Or if anyone cares enough to ignore what I say and come spend some time with me.
I push people away just to filter out those from my life who don't bother springing back. I listen to sad songs and torture myself looking for things that I know will upset me. I want to be understood more than I want to help anyone understand me.
I hate myself for qualities that I find admirable in others. I know how to play the game yet I get myself thrown off the team.
I'm shy, I'm jealous, I'm insecure and my biggest fear is rejection. Yet I love recklessly, without abandon. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give more than I think I have in me to give. I put myself in the firing line time and time again, scrambling over mountains of insecurity to please those I love. I say what I think and admit how I feel, though I know it gets me hurt. I'm as open and straight as the lines on my skin though I've only ever been taught how to close myself off. I'm a poet, a romantic, a lover of emotions although I don't know how to deal with them. I've never known how to deal with them. I've spent so long craving them like an unobtainable dream, I didn't even think about what I'd do if I ever got them. Like I said, most of the time I'm okay. But I'm also the biggest contradiction I know."
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